Parting ways

These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for both Steve and I. A close couple friend of ours has filed for legal separation and the circumstances which led up to it were... to say the least – very unfavourable. As a matter of fact, it was downright shocking and hurtful. When we first heard about it, we honestly didn’t know how to react or what to say. I reacted by first thinking that it must be a joke because we were all together last weekend and everything was fine. Then after realizing that it was really happening, my second reaction was to ask the “whys” and “hows” and “what happened?” and of course the “what do we do?” and “where do we go from here”.

Steve and I were both extremely upset over the news because these are our close friends. They’re the people we practically spend most of our weekends with, the people we thought whose kids would be our kids’ friends and the people we go on vacation with. We’ve had many dinners together, seen movies together, played board games together... and this was the last thing we expected. I wish the separation were amicable because it would make it easier for everyone to just get along. But it doesn’t seem that way right now. In fact, we don’t know if we can still be friends with one party simply because of the reasons behind the separation.

It’s only been days but it’s already turning ugly. Sides are being taken, clothes are being packed, lawyers are involved, and sooner or later someone’s going to have to deal with who gets custody of the dog and who gets what assets. Thinking about all these things, I can’t help but get upset... I feel angry, hurt, shocked and sad... mostly sad.

I’m sad because it couldn’t have happened at a worst time. But then again, there is no good time for something like this. I’m sad because nothing will ever be the same again and we’ll miss all the activities we enjoyed doing together. I’m sad because the plans we had together may not ever happen. I’m sad because I don’t know if their separation will eventually lead to divorce. And I’m sad because of the circumstances that led to the separation and I’m sad because I don’t want to see such a young, lovely couple have to go through something so terrible.

Knowing what I know about what had happened, I honestly can’t say if they should stick together and try to work it out or if it would be best for them to part ways. Right now, I am leaning towards the latter. I am pro working things out but only if both parties are willing to make it work. I don’t know if this is the case. There are some things that harder to accept, forgive and forget.

The last thing you would want to see is your good friends go through a really difficult time. As much as I’d like to mend things so that everything can go back to the way they were, the best that I can do is pray and hope for the best.

a BIG Thank You!

Today I am a quarter of a century old. If were being optimistic, I would celebrate the fact that I can now go into clubs and bars that have a minimum age limit of 25 years old. If I were to be pessimistic, I would think of it as another year closer to my death bed.

But today, I do not think of the privileges or the downsides of being 25. I am simply happy to be alive. Happy to love and be loved.

Today, I felt loved (not that I don’t feel loved any other day!) and I cannot even begin to express how wonderful it feels. To all of you who made sure I was reminded of how lucky and truly blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life, a very BIG THANK YOU!

Thank you for the many birthday greetings and the messages. Thank you for the surprise phone call from half-way around the world. It almost made me cry to hear all of your wonderful voices from the other end of the phone (I could barely speak! I think my colleagues could tell from my expression how happy I was). Thank you for celebrating my day even though I’m not there. Nakaka-touch talaga.

I miss you and I hope to see you all very soon.

Again, thank you.

Miss you guys.

Blessings

Today while lying in bed, I thought about how blessed I am to have such a great, loving family and how blessed I am to have really wonderful friends who I know I can count on no matter what.

My dad's right, we may not have a lot of money, we may not have a big house or a nice car and we may not be able to afford nice things all the time but we have each other and to us, it is everything. I think about how we don't get to choose the families we are born into and I look at mine and I appreciate it all the more. I know I am lucky because not everyone gets to go home to a family like mine. I am lucky because I get a big hug from my brother almost everynight before I go to bed and I love yelling "Goodnight!" right before I enter my room and hearing 4 different voices greet me back even when they are busy. I love that when things are tough and when I'm upset or discouraged or anxious, that I have a family that listens and doesn't mind staying up late just so I can rant and get everything out of my chest.

Not only do I have a great family, but I am also blessed with such amazing friends who I may not see all the time and who I am not able to talk to as much as I want but everytime I need them, they are always there. Just the other day I was really upset about something and my first instinct was to go online and a very close friend happened to be online at the same time. I just started talking and venting and he was so patient eventhough it was midnight his time and he was probably tired and sleepy already. What touched me the most was the fact that he made sure I was ok before signing off. They're not great friends because they always agree with me and they're not great just because they're pretty or funny or smart... they're great because they really listen and not feel the need to always give advice or solve my problems, they're patient even when I am being unreasonable, they don't judge me even when I make mistakes and they tell me when I am wrong. I respect them because I know I can trust them to tell me when I'm being an idiot or being inconsiderate. I like that when I confide in them, I don't need to remind them to keep it to themselves.

There are different ways to measure success in our lives... and each person's idea of happiness and fulfillment varies. But to me, it will always be the people in my life that make all the difference. They will always be what matters most to me.

Friends...Time... Distances

It’s amazing how much of an impact one person can have on you.

I think I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people (although Steve seems to think otherwise). Sure, I drop by a friend’s page every now and then to leave a message but I’m not particularly good at sending long emails on a regular basis. I don’t know why that is. Don’t get me wrong, I love my close friends so very much but I just can’t seem to develop the habit of constant communication.

It’s not to say that I don’t miss them because the truth is, I do miss them… a LOT. And I do wonder about how they are doing, where they are and what they’re doing. There isn’t a day that I don’t want to see them or hear from them.

Looking back at when I first met them, I had no idea back then how close we’d become and how important they would be to me. But through the years, I’ve grown to love them as if they were my own brothers and sisters.

Being in Canada makes it challenging to keep in touch as I’m not always in the most convenient time zone to call or chat (unless someone stays up ridiculously late at night). It also doesn’t help that some of us constantly travel so it’s a little hard to keep track of where people are at any one time. It’s obviously something we just have to learn to deal with and hopefully still be able to maintain close friendships despite the circumstances.

Of course I worry that there will come a time when we’ll be too caught up with the on-goings of our own lives that we might forget to keep in touch or that we’ll grow tired of each other and find new and interesting people to be friends with and share things with. People change and that’s a fact. As we grow older, we lose some friends and make all new ones. But even though I know that and that certain things are just beyond my control, I will still be sad if and when that happens.

Canada Day Weekend

The long weekend has come and gone and I am once again sitting at my desk at work wishing it was the long weekend all over again. It was a good break – having started the long weekend right with a BBQ in the office. It was nice to be at work on a Friday afternoon, doing nothing but eating BBQ and talking with people instead of working.

Friday night, Steve and I met up with friends at Jack Astor’s to celebrate Elisabeth’s graduation. We thought we’d be late but traffic had cooperated and we got there right on time. The following morning, Saturday, Steve and I had breakfast at Crème de la Crème along Bloor Street West and then headed downtown to the Royal Ontario Museum. He had gotten us museum tickets since I’ve never been there. We didn’t want to have to worry about parking downtown so we decided to take transit instead. Steve was so adorable taking the TTC… he was swiping the metropass the wrong way. LOL.

The ROM had 4 floors, all of which we visited. It was pretty amazing and we both loved it. It’s so interesting to see and learn about so many different things. We had taken some pictures with my phone camera since I had forgotten my digital camera at home. By the end of it, our feet hurt and we were starving. We must’ve been there for atleast 3 hours but it was all worth it. After the ROM, we took a walk along Yorkville and did a bit of shopping. That same night, we met up with Denny and company and went to Remy’s and had drinks on the rooftop. Since I don’t like the taste of alcohol, I drank iced tea the entire time. It was fun but I was freezing. It would’ve been nice to stay there for several hours if it weren’t so cold.

Sunday, I attended my first ever JW meeting with Steve. We stopped by Milestones first to have lunch since we had an hour to kill. YUM! The meeting we attended only lasted an hour and afterwards we headed to his place to change and then went to the beaches to play beach volleyball with his friends. I haven’t played volleyball since highschool and it is pretty safe to say I sucked at it. Steve on the other hand was amazing. He was the best player among all of us and I’m not being biased or anything. It’s the truth! He can return the ball and serve with ease. While he was racking up points for the team, I was getting bruised on my arms from the hitting the ball so hard. I don’t even know who lost of who won or how many games in total everyone played.

After volleyball, we went to another beach for the bonfire and to watch the fireworks display. It was so cold and thankfully we had brought a blanket with us. We were surprised at how many people had shown up. We had a beautiful view of the city and the water but it was super uncomfortable sitting on the rocks. Steve and I kept complaining how much our bum, our back and our legs hurt and we kept adjusting our sitting position and trying to find ways to make ourselves comfortable. After a couple of hours, we decided to head home since it was just plain uncomfortable already and we were freezing. We both got home at 3:00 am and I was so tired that I couldn’t even say my prayers straight.

Monday, Steve and I decided to go to his cousin’s place and we had brunch together and played Monopoly. I had to take a nap after because I was still exhausted from the day before. We spent the entire day there and left late to go home.

It really was a great weekend. We got to do so many things and see people and although we were pretty tired after, we had so much fun. Dammit, can we move back time and do it all over again?

Still the same?

I was browsing my Friendster account this morning and happened to check out my best friend from childhood’s profile. Every time I look at pictures of him, I am often amazed at how much he’s grown and matured over the years. I can still remember him as a boy…very playful and a bit talkative. I remember all the bike rides, afternoons spent outside playing games, going to the playground and all those nights in December when we would go caroling.

I haven’t spoken to him in years… I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to him nor the reasons for why we drifted apart considering we lived right next to each other. I guess living next door to someone doesn’t mean you can’t stop talking. I can only presume it must be due to our age gap…I’m two years younger and maybe somewhere along the way he grew up way faster than I did.

Sometimes I wonder how much he’s changed in the years since I last spoke to him… did he change at all? What type of music does he like now? When I think about these things, I am surprised at how much I still don’t know about him. Sure, we were best friends but that was a long time ago when our conversations were composed merely of what games we were going to play, who among the kids in our neighborhood were cool and some TV programs.

Looking at his Friendster page, I can’t help but smile when I see a movie or TV show he has listed as a favorite and it’s a favorite of mine too. Maybe we’ve both grown up and maybe we’ve both changed in so many different ways but maybe, just maybe, we’re still alike in some things.

Friends

I feel fortunate to have such great friends who despite being so far away still think of me and still say hi once in awhile. I feel loved and cared for and for someone like me who is miles away and lives in a totally different timezone, it truly means a lot. Even the little things are truly appreciated. I love the fact that I know I can always talk to them when I need them and they are always there to listen and offer comfort.

I love my friends and I hope that others are as fortunate as I am.

Out of the Loop

I’m so out of the loop when it comes to Philippine news and gossip. Not that I followed it before anyway but lately I realize when someone mentions a name, a show, some new dance move or a new expression, I feel my eyebrows crease and my whole facial expression turns into one, big, puzzled look. I realize I have no idea what they’re talking about.

And so lately, Google has been my friend, providing me with enough info or at least giving me an idea of what it is. Of course Google can only do so much and it doesn’t really help when you are trying to find out what a certain Filipino expression/slang really means. In fact, Google is only useful for tracking news and a few pictures here and there.

You don’t notice the changes that happen around you, the different little things that evolve and take place and then you move half-way around the world and every little thing is magnified.

Do you realize I have no idea what Big Brother is?!

Embarrassing as it is, I have to admit I am getting pretty slow on some of the goings-on.

No place like it

It’s so hot in my office. I share it with D, our new trainer, and our tiny space, although it has a door, does not have any windows nor any form of ventilation. We do have a sun roof which allows a bit of sunlight into the room but it doesn’t open. If we close our door, we end up boiling. We could keep the door open but since we both train and are on the phone a lot, we have to keep it closed to keep the noise out. I can tolerate heat more than D since I’m more used to it. Poor guy is suffering so much that he decided to bring a fan to work. Being a girl definitely has its advantages because I can go to work wearing lighter clothes while he normally goes to work wearing long-sleeved clothing. Told him he should invest in lighter clothing.

I was able to chat with Arlene this morning for about an hour or so. It feels good to talk to someone who also misses home as much as I do. We were both talking about how much we missed all our friends from college and how different it truly is to be living in North America. Not that it’s bad, it’s just different. She had posted a picture of all of us from college on her Friendster page and seeing it made me a little sad. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing home.

It’s funny she said she feels like all of the people she’s close to has either left the country or is leaving and she feels like she’s being left behind. It’s funny because I feel the exact same way. I kidded around saying I started it all by leaving first. It’s part of growing up I guess… sometimes we need to leave not necessarily because we want to, but because we have to.

Sometimes I worry that if I go back home for a visit, I might want to stay.

we've grown...

I was on Facebook this morning, thinking of changing my profile pic when I came across an old picture taken with a dear friend. I love that picture… it still feels like only yesterday we were sitting side by side under the sun with our picture being taken and now it’s been 3 years since and in a lot of ways we are all still the same but in a lot of ways we’ve also changed… I guess the proper word would be “grown”. Yes, we’ve grown…

absolutely amazing

Isn’t it amazing to look into another person’s eyes and see you? To know he/she sees you and loves you for you? To know that he/she adores you, accepts you, rejoices with you and cries with you? To know that in this big, big world, you do not go unnoticed because there is this special person whose life is complete because you’re in it?

When I See You Smile

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Chorus

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

When I See You Smile
Bad English

For my college friends who I miss everyday...

Memories

It is such an amazing feeling to be sitting across the table from someone or just sitting in the car talking. I can think of so many conversations with so many different people and the ones that remain in my memory the most are those conversations I shared with someone who made me feel like they really understood and that every word I said mattered even though what I might have been saying didn't necessarily make a lot of sense.

Looking back in my life, I realize it's the little things that I remember the most. A person's smile, the scent of the morning, conversations, meaningful experiences, thoughtful gestures... sometimes I even surprise myself when I recall certain things from my childhood that I thought I would have forgotten by now. There are things I remember so vividly. Nothing big. Just little things that made such an impact in my life or things that have stayed, forever locked up in my heart. Some memories are good, some are bad. Some made me cry, some made me laugh. But mostly just things and experiences that helped shaped me into the person I am and remain as a constant reminder that although life can be painful sometimes, it is also beautiful.

I wonder, several years from now, what memories will I be keeping?

These Are My Wishes For You

May you find serenity and tranquility
in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known
and the conflict you have experienced
give you the strength to walk through life
facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those
whose love and understanding will always be there,
even when you feel most alone.

May a kind word,
a reassuring touch,
and a warm smile
be yours every day of your life,
and may you give these gifts
as well as receive them.

May the teachings of those you admire
become part of you,
so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched
and who have touched yours
are always a part of you,
even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
It is the content of the encounter
that is more important than its form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters,
but instead place immeasurable value
on the goodness in your heart.
Find time in each day to see beauty and love
in the world around you.

Realize that what you feel you lack in one regard
you may be more than compensated for in another.
What you feel you lack in the present
may become one of your strengths in the future.
May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.
Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength
to determine your own worth by yourself,
and not be dependent
on another's judgment of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.

These Are My Wishes For You
Sandra Sturtz Hauss

Homesick?

Monday and I’m feeling a little depressed. I don’t even know why…

I was browsing a friend’s page and saw an old picture taken of us back in ’04 (ok, so it isn’t that old but still…). It’s one of those days when all I want to do is go back to the Phils even for the afternoon and just lie down in my parents’ old bedroom or in my grandma’s couch in QC. Recently, so many are asking me when I’m planning to go back home to visit and all I can say is, “I don’t know yet… no concrete plans as of now.” I remember when I first came to Canada, I promised myself I would visit home every year… It’s been 3 years since I moved and I still have no clue when I’m going to be able to visit.

Maybe I’m feeling a little homesick and that’s probably why I feel down today…

Waking Up From Hibernation

Busy busy busy…busy as a bee…just wanted to tell you, I’m busy as can be!

I’m trying to fit everyone in my calendar and it’s been chaotic. Sometimes I wish I had a clone.

Shey, Len, Pao and I caught each other online today which is pretty rare so we decided to have a nice long chat and do some catching up. Too bad Pao couldn’t stay long with it being well past midnight his time. Him and Len were in the same timezone but I guess Len didn’t feel like going to bed yet and stayed online for quite sometime. Shey on the other hand is only 6 hours ahead of me so it wasn’t so bad for her. Len is finally going to the US in a few weeks and I’m so happy for her. I love it when my friends go abroad because then I feel like they can better relate to me when I complain about the cold and all the different things I come across being so far away. It’s not the same when I say it’s -10 degrees and I’m freezing my butt off and them imagining what -10 degrees might actually feel like than when they’ve actually been there and knows what it actually feels like. I’m also happy for them – being able to see different places and meeting so many different people. They’re so lucky they get to travel and not pay a cent for it. One of the good things about it is that they travel as a team and they don’t have to go alone. That would’ve been such a bummer.

I only wish I could see them but if either one of us applied for a VISA now, we won’t be able to get it on time for us to see each other. I guess the easiest way is if I went back home for a vacation. I just have to make sure they’re in the country when I go or else it would be a waste.

Juhl posted some new pictures on his Friendster page. It’s amazing how fast his nephews and nieces grow! It’s only been 2 and a half years since I moved to Canada and yet it seems so many things have happened since. It always surprises me when I hear someone’s getting married or having a baby or have done both already. It’s as if I went on hibernaton and just woke up and am struggling to catch up on what’s been happening.

A year goes by so fast and yet so many things happen in just a single year. I wonder how many things would’ve changed by the time I come back.

The World Is A Small Place

More and more I realize that the world truly is a small place.

I've moved halfway around the world only to find that a friend from highschool lives down the street. Just recently, I found out that a close friend's BF is actually good friends with another highschool friend of mine. Sometimes it makes you think, with all the billions of people in the world, why does it seem we're just going in circles? LOL

It really is interesting though.

An end to the passing year

We took down the Christmas tree at the office. It’s so sad!

I wanted to add some music to my page but it won’t save it and I don’t know why… I wonder if it’s conflicting with Blogger or something.

Looking back at 2006, it was a pretty good year for me. I can’t think of anything I regret other than not taking a second week of vacation. Like I said before, it doesn’t get carried over so I pretty much wasted the opportunity. I really should’ve taken it. I met so many cool people in ’06 and I learned a few things, grew a bit (not physically though… a few inches taller would’ve been GREAT!) and had some pretty memorable experiences. Starting a whole new year makes me feel anxious, excited, worried and scared all at the same time. There’s always something about not knowing what’s coming.

Another year has gone by and it makes me happy to know I’ve managed to remain close to a few special people in my life and made some new friends. I’ve had a few disappointments, some obstacles and hard times but it was a pretty good year all-in-all and I was happy. It was a year full of blessings and I can’t help but feel absolutely grateful.

So, here’s a toast to 2006!

s-l-e-e-p

Why is it I start posting whenever I feel so damn sleepy? It either turns out to be a crappy post or a whiny one.

I realized I had forgotten to greet some people during the holidays and felt bad about it so I decided to write them today (well, it isn't completely over isn't it?) I'm trying to improve my keeping-in-touch skills. Jerry does it so well. He still keeps in touch with people he knew back when he was a boy and he regularly calls people he knows from Europe and Africa and just everywhere. He's amazing isn't he? I love my friends so much but I have to admit I'm bad at regular phone calls and e-mails. Since I don't want to grow old and look back and tell myself I should've made more calls and written more letters, I'm going to do my best to let the people who are important to me know I think about them.

Darn it, my week off is almost over. One more day and I'm back at work. Doesn't it sometimes seem like weekdays take forever but when you're on vacation time flies? Arrgghhh! But like my mom said, atleast we had a week off... a week off is better than nothing.

Jerry and I saw A Night At The Museum and Rocky the other night. Both movies were good and we didn't even have to pay because I had free movie passes for 2. We were lucky because A Night At The Museum was showing on IMAX and it was the first time for me. We were already sitting at the back and the screen still looked so huge it made it hard for me to focus. I was impressed (I'm easily fascinated anyway). I think I'm going to buy the DVD for A Night At The Museum when it comes out. It's the kid in me that wants to buy it. Note to self: buy DVD for The Emperor's New Groove! Man, I keep forgetting.

I think I need to get some s-l-e-e-p.