A Low

I'm having one of those low days.

Why does it always seem that the things you want the most are the hardest to obtain?

I like to believe that the good things in life are free but there are times when I question that. It feels as if we pay for the good times by having to go through the bad ones. It's as if we have to suffer first to be happy. I don't always feel this way of course, but during those really difficult days, I can't help but think of it.

It's come to a point where everytime I feel extremely happy, I worry. I worry that something bad is bound to happen. Because life isn't perfect and the good comes with the bad. It's a never-ending cycle, you know? High times, low times, high times, low times. It's as if we can only have peace when we die, when all the problems and concerns of the world are far from us. I guess this is part of the reason why the idea of going to heaven is so appealing to us... because finally we are home, where there is no pain and no suffering.

I consider myself to be a generally optimistic person although I think I'm wise enough to know that the reality of a situation isn't as peachy as I hope it would be. Should I be discouraged? Should I just accept the ways of the world, let myself be converned by rules that may not always make sense to me? I don't know. Although it certainly seems easier to just follow... do what the everyone expects of you. Would I be happy about it? Would it be all worth it in the end?

It's difficult to live your life when there are a lot of things that go against you. Not that you're necessarily doing anything wrong... it's just that different people expect different things. Different people want something from you, expect you to be more like them, to see the things they see, believe the things they believe and agree... agree that they are right and you are wrong.

I like to think that I can be strong when needed, that I can always bounce back from whatever is thrown at me. I understand that I can't please everyone and that I am bound to disappoint someone along the way. I also know that I am not perfect, I tend to make wrong decisions too and that at times I tend to be selfish and stubborn.

But I wish that people would see me for who I am - outside of race, religion, culture, sex, age, politics, ancestry... It's already difficult as it is to go through the hardships in life and being pre-judged makes it all the more discouraging. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, to be considerate and to understand where they are coming from and I wish I would be extended the same courtesy. Apparently, it's too much to ask for.